Self-Care

Anchors Needed

September 15, 2019 by 0 Comments

It’s a storm filled world out there. Literal storms, emotional storms, medical deluges, familial hurricanes, political thunderstorms….Storms seem to be everywhere. We need our own personal anchors more than ever to not get blown away.

Anchors as symbols of strength, security, stability, and faith go back several thousand years. Although not seafaring people, early Christians used anchors as symbols of their unshakable faith when they were being hunted and persecuted by the Romans. The phrase “Hope anchors the soul” is derived from a longer verse in the Bible in Hebrews. Nowadays, others have adopted this belief too, and this anchor quote has become quite popular these days on tattoos!

Anchors hold down ships during the stormiest weather. When you drop your anchor, it is self-protective. You know that you are in for a storm, and you are prepared to weather it and get to the other side. The storm may come in the shape of a disease, an accident, a loss, a relationship, a confrontation….You may have time to prepare your ship, or it may come upon you without warning. Either way, your anchor will  provide emotional stability.

Did you know that ships can have more than one anchor? So can we! The anchor that most people count on is faith, belief, and hope in a higher power that will see you through. However, an anchor can also be a person who you can count on and who always has your back in a storm. An anchor can be a practice like yoga or walking meditation to steady you. A meaningful object or affirmation can also help to anchor us when we are scared or worried. Whatever helps fortify you – do that, believe in that. Stay grounded.

“The important thing about anchors is that they give us roots. They remind us of our values and who we are. They reaffirm what is important to us, and why weathering the storm, without giving into behaviors, is totally worth it.” ~ Claire Milliken

 

Advocacy

The Crying Balloon

August 25, 2019 by 0 Comments

My step grandfather had a crying balloon. Whenever we cried, he would pull it out. The same sturdy red balloon. He would blow it up large, then stretch the opening, so it would make a loud whining sound. And he would laugh at us. Our tears were funny. Our fear was funny. And nobody stopped him.

Therein lies the problem . . . . that became a much bigger problem . . . . that nobody stopped him.  Indifference can be destructive.

Toddlers cry. Young children cry. It’s a part of one’s emotional make up when as a child, one is figuring out the world. My grandparents’ house was a big, old, scaryish place for a little kid. We sometimes got scared or sad or hurt and would cry. His reaction to us alarmed us even more. But why was it not alarming enough for the other adults around us to tell him to knock if off? They were silent bystanders to his shameful theatrics. Making us feel alone and unprotected.

Bullies aren’t born. They are made. My step grandfather did this because he could. My grandmother said nothing. My parents did nothing. My aunt sat mute. Everyone watched him mock and frighten us – small children. He could do what he wanted without rebuke. And he did. Eventually, he did much worse. So bad that my cousin and I needed years of therapy and hundreds of miles of distance to heal from his abuse.

So why am I telling you this story? It is a cautionary tale. Do not stand idly by when you see bullying – no matter how small. Speak up. Name what you see. Stand up for the innocent. Because a bully’s actions will continue to grow much worse and more dangerous. If they can. And silence will fuel a bully’s behavior. Smaller actions lead to bigger more harmful actions. If they go unchecked. And silence is a bully’s biggest ally.

In our families, in our communities, in our governments, in our world, we can see unchecked bullying that preys on the most defenseless in the room/situation. Stand up! We must speak out to injustices both small and large. Empathy seeks justice. Bullying denies it. But indifference denies it too.

Hope

3 Truths

August 11, 2019 by 0 Comments

3 truths:  You are not alone. Evil exists in the world. There is hope (because you are not alone).

No one knows what we are going through. We may be too scared, too ashamed, too confused, too sad, too angry, too trapped, all these too’s….to tell anyone. Or maybe some people do know, but they don’t care. So we feel even more alone and lost in our problem, our relationship, our circumstance, our addiction, our hurt, our….Too paralyzed to get out, to get over, to get up. We are stuck in the mire. What are we to do? Reach for a life rope.

Evil is a presence in our world. There are bad people who do bad things for bad reasons to us or to those around us. Deliberately. Evil can be up close and personal or it can wave at us at a distance.

“The best definition of evil I’ve heard comes from Columbia University professor Andrew Delbanco, who has devoted much of his life to its study. Evil, he has concluded, springs from ‘the absence of imaginative sympathy for other human beings – a choice NOT to care about their suffering.’ ” – William Falk 

No sympathy or empathy from others is one of the biggest problems we currently face. The “I don’t give a shit about you” attitude is rooted in evil. And we must fight to counteract it with active empathy. Because for every person who doesn’t give a shit, there are many more who do. You are not alone when you reach out.

There is strength in numbers, strength in therapy, strength in telling the truth about what happened or what is happening. Tap into that strength. Begin by talking to one kind person and by not hiding anymore. Move forward – even if it is one inch at a time. You are not alone. Hope combats evil. And faith grows hope.

“I think this is what we all want to hear:  that we are not alone in hitting the bottom, and that it is possible to come out of that place courageously, beautiful, and strong ” – Anna White.

 

Direction

Going the Right Direction

July 28, 2019 by 0 Comments

Only you have to live with you. I remind myself of that when other people give me advice – i.e. – tell me what to do. And let’s face it, most of us really don’t like being told what to do by someone else. Because what’s right for you, may be wrong for me. And what’s right for me, may be wrong for you. Regardless of what anyone tells you, we have to decide for ourselves what is right for us.

So where is our moral compass for decision making? The right path has to do with perception. The problem is when our perception gets distorted by circumstance – when we can’t see the forest through the trees – and we feel hopelessly lost in it. Keep in mind, when you feel you are going the wrong way, you can always turn around a start up a new path.

To help focus, we can remember that happiness is subjective, so the road to happiness is also subjective. A good litmus test for making decisions on your journey derives from the Hippocratic oath of First, do no harm. I would add to that – First do no harm to yourself or to others. (We often forget the to yourself part.) Will what you decide be good for your health and good for the health of those around you?

What’s right for you may not be popular or understood by others. (No matter!)  Because people often say it’s okay to think outside the box. But when they are confronted by the outside box thinking, they don’t like it. At all. People will often yield to convention because it is familiar and comfortable. So be ready for all eyes on you when you are making a big change or big decision. Many will be eyes of judgment. Some will be eyes of understanding. Others will be eyes of admiration. Just don’t let any eyes change your “I” direction.

There is no “my way or the highway.” Because our roads and journeys are different. Ask and pray for guidance and assistance to keep going the right direction for you. Trust yourself.

“Believe nothing just because someone else believes it. Believe only what you yourself test and judge to be true.” ~ Buddha

Self-Discovery

Change

July 14, 2019 by 0 Comments

Does change come to you or do you go to change? Do you seek it out or does it seek you out? Do you take a step toward change or does it take a step towards you?

Change = “to make or become different.” But how different do I want to be? How different do I want my life to be?

The expression the winds of change implies that they will blow your way at some point. They are coming for us. Ready or not. (Like it or not.) Often we think not – but we usually are more ready than we know. Or at least as ready as we’ll ever be. (We likely are way past ready.)

Sometimes, we hope and pray for change. Sometimes, we dread it. Either way, change is difficult for us. Because it is the unknown. And the unknown can be scary. So we hope that the winds of change are gentle. We hope that the winds of change don’t approach us as a damn hurricane.

If we embrace them as they approach, the winds won’t flatten us. But the more we resist, the stronger they get. And they are coming. And they are necessary. Because they can make you look at the stormy issue that you have been ignoring. They can make you deal with the unhealthy situation that has gotten out of control. They can force you to take a good look at your darkening sky. They can blow away the emotional debris of your life to clean house. The winds of change will force catharsis. They will make us become different, and become better.

Weather the storm when the winds of change blow in. Seek help from some and refuge from others. Live one day at a time. Take one step at a time. Those who don’t want you to change (for the better!) will eventually be driven off by the storm. Good. This makes room for new people and new opportunities. And changes will lead to growth.

Change may be hard, and it may or may not be welcome. But either way, it will arrive on your doorstep or blow in through your windows. It will make you pay attention to it because change usually comes to you when you need it most. And once you are different, YOU are changed, the winds will simply blow away.

Self-Care

“No” is a Complete Sentence.

June 30, 2019 by 0 Comments

No. Nope. Uh-uh. No way. No thanks. I can’t…. There are so many ways to say “no,” so why is it so hard for some of us?

Sensitive people don’t like to disappoint others. We want to help. Empaths know what you are feeling, what you want. Also, we have trouble with boundaries. A lot of trouble. And people who don’t respect boundaries are often drawn to us. Saying “no” is a challenge for us.

Two thoughts to keep in mind:

You can still be a good person and say no.

“No” is a complete sentence. ~ Annie Lamott

Highly sensitive people often say “yes” because they want to be kind. But is it really kind to say “yes” when you mean “no?” It is dishonest at best and underhanded at worst. Because when you say “yes” to a commitment but don’t mean it, you have planted the seeds of resentment.

” A great way to tell when you feel ‘no’ is to watch for resentfulness. Resentment is the red flag that lets you know you are in a situation with an energy imbalance, where you are giving more to a situation than you are getting back.” ~ Lisa Campion

It is normal and healthy to say “no” when you don’t want to do something. You are being true to yourself, you are being honest, and maybe there is someone else who actually wants to do the thing that you don’t want to do. (It’s also not a bad thing for someone to have to figure out something by themselves.)

Some advice:

~ Be direct. Use the “no” word.

~ Don’t apologize for saying no.

~ Giving a reason is optional.

~ Trust your feelings/gut.

~ Provide an alternative, if you wish.

~ Avoid serial askers.

Be prepared – people do not like hearing “no.” (Do you?) So there will be some uncomfortable feelings. We just gotta ride that wave til it passes. Not passing, make an exit til the tide clears.

People say “no” all the time. You can too. When you say “no” to others, it is often saying “yes” to yourself – to your beliefs, to your time, to your own needs. Say “yes” to you.

 

Self-acceptance

So You Were Born an Empath

June 16, 2019 by 0 Comments

 

So you were born an empath.

Where do you go from here?

Do you rise to the occasion, yield to the path that you were given,

let it shape you, and allow Life to use you as a vessel,

Or do you hide, shrink, and leave?

Do you choose the path of psychic retreat or that of emotional warriorship?

Ultimately, you root to rise

not because it is moral, or even particularly honourable,

But because it is the only way to go.

~ Imi

(from Eggshell Therapy and Coaching)

 

Self-Care

Creating a Peaceful Home in a Turbulent World

June 9, 2019 by 0 Comments

May all grow strong in this place of healing, our sanctuary from the loudness of the world.                 Marianne Williamson

My dream home is a cottage on the beach. My real home is not a cottage on the beach. However, I can still create a dreamy peaceful haven in the home that I inhabit. So can you.

In these uncertain and turbulent times, it is more important than ever to have a home sanctuary, a safe harbor, a port in a storm. Google defines haven and sanctuary the same as “a place of safety and refuge.” Shelter is “a place giving protection from bad weather or danger.” Home is more than just a place to live. Or it can be.

Serene. Calm. Welcoming. Peaceful. Cozy. Do these words conjure up your home? If yes, great! Think about how you did it, and do more of it. If no, no worries. We can always modify our homes to get the good vibes that we want them to give. We can create homes that are restorative, relaxing, harmonious, and rejuvenating.

Think sensory and decorate with intention. Colors, pictures, objects, and photos create a mood. Only keep objects that give off good vibes and provide good memories.  Bring natural beauty like wood, plants, and shells into your home.  Be aware of the sounds and the smells of your home. We can adjust with music, candles, foods, etc.

All rooms matter, so get rid of clutter and bad mojo. Clutter is the opposite of calm, so put away or give away excess stuff. Bad mojo can come from an object or a person. Either way, you don’t want it/them in your home. Throw away or give away an object from anyone who upsets you. Open the windows for air or light some candles with prayers to get rid of lingering negative energy when certain people have been in your home.

We can carve a little private personal sanctuary space in our homes. Like me, you may not have the luxury of a room, so it may be a corner or a desk or something as small as a shelf. Fill it with objects just for you. Objects and pictures that make you feel better and make you feel whole. Spend time there every day.

Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling. ~ Cecelia Ahern …. Let’s make it both.

 

 

 

 

Compassion

Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water

May 25, 2019 by 0 Comments

People tell me things. Important things. Personal things. Things I did not ask to know. They tell me stories from their lives. Stories that matter. Stories of struggles and stories of heartaches. Often they tell me half finished stories with unknown endings. Often they are people who I barely know. It just spills out.

Empathic and highly sensitive people embody kindness. We respond with empathy. Which is the response someone will always be looking for. No one wants to be judged; they want to be listened to. It’s not the same thing. So when we engage with others, and they sense our warmth and compassion, we are often confided in.

When someone tells you their story, they are giving you a gift (although it may not feel like it initially). They are trusting us with their feelings, their experiences, their memories. It’s a way of saying – look what happened to me, look what I did, look how it is effecting me, look what may come next ….and I want to tell you. I trust you. We take it in and we mirror it back with compassion. That is an empath and sensitive’s gift. I heard you, I see you, I feel with you – and hopefully, you’re gonna be okay.

It’s a “Bridge Over Troubled Water” moment – when someone needs to unburden themselves, and you offer to be their bridge over troubled water to help them get through this. It’s bittersweet, and it comes quite naturally to empaths and sensitives. So why not acknowledge and embrace it as the gift it is? To be a bridge is a powerful thing.

Bridge over Troubled Water by Simon & Garfunkel
When you’re weary, feeling small
When tears are in your eyes, I’ll dry them all (all)
I’m on your side, oh, when times get rough
And friends just can’t be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you’re down and out
When you’re on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you (ooo)
I’ll take your part, oh, when darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Sail on silver girl
Sail on by
Your time has come to shine
All your dreams are on their way
See how they shine
Oh, if you need a friend
I’m sailing right behind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind

 

Connection

The Best Presents Are Experiences, Not Things

May 19, 2019 by 0 Comments

I love presents as much as the next person. But the BEST gifts are experiences, not things. Think about it.

In your whole life, how many presents can your recall? Now how many of them do you recall because they were wonderful or meaningful in some way? (Not because they were ugly, weird, etc.?) I’ll bet less than 20. Maybe 12.  In your whole life.

Now think about some meaningful experiences that you have had with others. Experiences that were someone else’s original plan, not yours. Experiences that were offered to you to participate in. As gifts. I would bet that you could remember over 75% of them, which would take you well over 12.

The gift of shared experience offers us so much more. This gift is by nature more giving. It is by nature more thoughtful. And it is by nature more enduring. Who doesn’t want to give and receive a gift that is thoughtful and enduring?

And don’t forget fun. Usually these gifts are pretty fun. Instead of the gift opening with the one second exclamation of “wow, thank so much,” you’re going on a ride together. Buckle up.

Still unsure about what I’m talking about? Here are some real life examples. Your friend invites you to pick out your own pet for your birthday. Friend will purchase whatever pet you want. S/he will take you to as many places as you want and help you get your choice including supplies. Example two – you have a very demanding life, but you love it. Once a year, however, you and your sibling go away for a few days together to unwind. You pick the place together, your sibling plans the itinerary. The whole thing. You are thrilled to go without having to be the organizer. Example three – your spouse invites you out to lunch and a walk in the country just because it’s Saturday, and the sun is shining, and s/he wants to hold your hand for a while.

Be open to giving and accepting the precious gift of shared experience. The more open we are, the more we will have, and the richer our lives will be.