Connection

Empath On Board

March 4, 2018 by 0 Comments

Same boat syndrome. When you are (often unexpectedly) in the same situation as someone else. A synchronicity of sorts. You are stuck with a stranger in a situation and temporarily bond. And I can tell you, it’s good to have an empath in the boat. And often you are the empath in the boat.

Being “in the same boat” means “sharing a particular experience or circumstance with someone else.” (idioms.thefreedictionary.com) It’s a metaphor for a shared experience. When we are stuck in the same boat, it creates instant connection due to circumstance. We are experiencing the same event and likely the same emotions attached to the event. Our roles at the time may be different, but our understanding of the situation will be similar.

Being in the same boat forces instant connection, and empaths are good at connection. Really good. We can make the necessary instant emotional connection in our boat to help navigate through the unknown waters. We can read a situation quickly and feel the emotional state of our new companion(s). When we can emotionally connect with the other(s) in the boat, it makes us stronger. And the only way out of the situation is through it. So we listen, we talk, we support, we plan, and most importantly, we HOPE – together.

In the same boat connections are often born in hospitals, offices, schools, classes, foreign countries, you add your own. Same boat connections are born when we are in an unfamiliar situation and so is someone else. It’s when we meet someone in a hospital, and we share the same worry. It’s when we get lost in a foreign country, and we meet another traveler. It’s when we go to a new class, and we meet another newbie to share our perceptions. It’s when our family is falling apart, and we talk with someone who is also experiencing the same personal tragedy. The connections are real, often urgent, and necessary for coping. It’s a time when we cut through the crap, and go straight to the heart of the matter because there isn’t time not to.

In the same boat connections let us bond quickly and strongly with another. And though the situation is temporary, the experience and shared words will help to sustain us long after we’re out of the boat.

Advocacy

Self-Perception

February 25, 2018 by 0 Comments

How do you view yourself? Self-perception is “the idea that you have about the kind of person you are” (learnersdictionary.com). How we view ourselves is more important than how others view us. Clear self-understanding leads to clear self-perception. To be the best youest you, we need to develop clear self-perception.

“To thine own self be true.” is a much quoted phrase by William Shakespeare from Hamlet. And for an empath? To be true to ourselves is to embrace and own our gift of feeling what others around us feel. It is connecting with compassion. Our nature is to live by our emotions, and our decisions will always reflect this. This is how we walk through life (even if it seems strange to others). And sometimes, it may mean getting away from others so we can breathe and regroup. We need to self-affirm what we know to be true and not be coerced out of it.

Empaths often need time to think and feel away from the emotions of others around them. That’s why when we are in a situation of conflict, we walk away. This can be interpreted as permanently retreating or surrendering. It is not. It is stepping away from the emotions of others in order to get clear about what we really feel, think, and know to be true for us. Others may push hard to dissuade us, and we feel their strong emotions like an onslaught. So we need to physically leave the room. Then we can get away from the emotional tug of the other and his/her “what about me?”  When we are clear about what we think and feel, we may re-engage to finish the discussion, or we may choose to disengage from it all together. (Note that when an empath stops talking, that doesn’t mean that we agree with you. It means that we are stepping back and going inside to affirm what we believe, and we may or may not share it with you.)

Self-talk and affirmations can help us with self-perception. What we say to ourselves  matters. Our words frame who we are. We need to build strong frames for ourselves. My every day mantra is “Be brave.” I wear it on my wrist, so I can see it every day. Pick what works for you. Own it.

 

Self-Discovery

As Long As It Takes

February 17, 2018 by 0 Comments

When are you going to get over it? How many times have you heard that? Plenty? Enough? Empaths and highly sensitive people have to hear this phrase throughout their lives. It’s offensive to us because it is pushing your disappointment into our feelings at a time when we are already hurting.

Don’t expect us to be on your timetable. We don’t get over “it” easily. We don’t get over the break up, the assault, the death, (add your own) easily. We can’t, and you implying that we can is just adding criticism to pain.

Empaths and HSPs own their own feelings. Instead of trying to rush us out of them, maybe we can show you how to move through them. Moving through our pain to the other side of our healing is a journey all its own. And we are fearless in our emotions. That is our strength.

So the answer to the question is a resounding As Long As It Takes. You can’t rush hurting. You can’t rush healing. We grieve and feel long and hard….but then we rise. We stand and let the huge wave of emotion engulf us completely and sometimes knock us over. We know that we will live through it. Furthermore, we know that the wave will change us because the upside to emotional waves is that they leave compassion and understanding in their wake. To others, it may seem like it overwhelms us, but we know that it is passing through. We can handle it. And trying to stop the wave is dangerous for us. We need to own it, so we don’t get stuck in it. So your asking us to deny it is actually prolonging the pain.

So, when are you going to get over it? Not sure. Will time heal all wounds? Not sure. But I do know that the sun will come out again. And it will rise every morning. I will rise every morning. And that the right time to move on is when you move on.

Empath parent

Empath Parents

February 10, 2018 by 0 Comments

Empath Parents. We love our kids so much it hurts (sometimes). But honestly, we are built for this job. Top tier nurturers. Hard wired for the emotional long haul of parenthood. We’re with you through thick and thin, kids, 110%. And we will hold your hand, be at your side, and help you grow. In fact, we will both grow.

The emotional connection between an empath parent and their child is very strong. This bond will provide your child with stability – especially during turbulent times. Because you are a constant, Empath Parent. You are your child’s lighthouse. You are the light in the storm. The safe haven. The constant beacon. Your child will know that they can count on you during any storm….and there will be storms.

I’ve had 3 children – one in my twenties, one in my thirties, and one in my forties. They are all different, and I was at a different stage of my life for each one of them. I had specific joys and sorrows. They had specific joys and sorrows. And yet, we continued to grow together. We still do. Because we are emotionally connected for life.

My dad used to say “Girls grow when you let go.” (This is true for boys, too.) This is a hard one for Empath Parents. Just as our children need to learn to walk on their own and stand up when they fall, they also need to learn to handle their own ups and downs. We can support them, but we need to let them own their own feelings. We would rather take on their hurts to protect them, but we can’t and we shouldn’t. (I was told this point blank by a very wise man.) Our children need to take ownership of their own feelings and circumstances to be resilient and to learn strength. We need to let them.

And remember, they have been watching you over the years. They have lived with you, Empath Parent. Your children know how strong you are. They have seen you through adversity and all its accoutrements, and they know that when you feel it all and you move through it all, you will come out on the other side.

So be a forever lighthouse for your children. Let them walk the beaches with you, but also teach them to sail. For they are on their own journeys. And your light that sparked theirs can always beckon them home.

Advocacy

We Bring the Calm

February 4, 2018 by 0 Comments

Most Empaths have the ability to project energy as well as absorb it. It often occurs without us having to do anything at all, as it seems to flow. Learning to control this can help calm situations and send peaceful, healing energy. (Sharon OBrien)

Aha moment. Yes we can, and yes we do. Are you someone who small groups gravitate toward? Family wants you present at the gathering? Work wants you on the committee? Friends want you at the dinner? There is a reason why your presence is requested. It is because you are you. And Empaths bring a lot to the table.

We can quietly read a room as we enter it. We can quietly know the feelings of the participants gathered. We know the comfort level of everyone in the room, so we can handle emotional situations with care and skill. We can improve the energy in the room by projecting calm, and calm breeds more calm. (Wise decisions are never made in a turbulent room.) Good energy in the room leads to better outcomes and better experiences.

As an Empath, you probably have this skill in spades, but maybe you have never thought about it. Consider yourself  now. People seek you out? Advice for friends? Understanding for family? Recommendations for work? Empaths listen closely to others, and we listen with our hearts. We absorb energy, and we reflect it back with great kindness. We are quiet achievers and those around us sense our knowing and request our help.

I’ll close with another quote from Sharon OBrien’s post. (Link below for those who want to read full text.)

As I mentioned, Empaths can sense the mood or atmosphere of a room or place. That can give us an indication of what to expect in many situations where others are flying blind. Since we can feel what is going on with other people, we can sense how or when it is a good time to say something, or to let something go. If you use your imagination, there are many ways to use your Empathic gift to help others as well as yourself.

Appreciate your gift. It can move mountains one stone at a time.

Is There a Positive Side to Being an Empath?

Self-Care

Step Away

January 28, 2018 by 0 Comments

One of the hardest things that I have learned as an empath is to step away. It is a form of self-preservation and self-protection. But it is counterintuitive to an empath. We are the ones that are supposed to step in, right? We are the ones that are supposed to sit by your side, right?

The answer is yes….until it is no….in some cases. It’s with the person who courts a lot of drama in their lives or with the person who will not change self-destructive behavior that the empath needs to move away from. We cannot be present forever in these situations. And when it becomes too painful to be a participant in a scene that replays itself over and over again, we need to step away and not go back.

The problem is that you don’t know this situation until your are in the thick of it. We empaths gravitate toward intense people. Some are healthy and some are not. Some are healing and working to be healthy and some are not. We are in it with you when you are growing and healing. We are in it all the way holding your hand and feeling what you feel. It is exhausting, but we believe in you. And it is a bit shocking to us when we sometimes have to realize that you are addicted to the bad drama or the bad behavior that is bad for you and bad for us. When we see that no change is coming (probably ever), then we need to be gone. It is too painful for an empath to be close to someone who is slowly killing themselves and not be able to stop them.

The biggest challenge in this kind of situation is when you have to step away from a family member who is still there. You may move away, you may have minimal contact, but you can’t get all the way away (especially if other family members don’t “get it”). My advice is to find someone to support you because you’re gonna need it. And trust your gut, and pray for strength. Then give yourself permission to step away.

Inspiration

Expect the Unexpected

January 21, 2018 by 0 Comments

Expect the unexpected. As children, we do this naturally. The world is full of wonder. It is exciting and unpredictable. New experiences are around every corner.  And we are open inside to embrace them. And as children, we don’t mind some mystery in our daily existence. We accept it as a part of life.

Adulthood has a different tenor. Predictability takes center stage. We create it. We nurture it. We sustain it.

I am not saying that predictability is bad. It isn’t. It’s a long road in this world to achieve stability (especially for an empath). What I am suggesting though is that stability can include the predictable and the unpredictable. The expected and unexpected can co-exist as twin flames, as yin and yang. And understanding and embracing both experiences leads to a fuller participation in this world.

Who helped me to embrace the unexpected well into adulthood? A cat. Yes, a little black kitten came into my life, and she developed a special talent. She leaps on you. Out of the blue. From a distance. From behind, from above, from below. Sometimes even a quiet running down the hall and jumping leap. She always lands on your shoulder or upper back. Good aim. Scared and surprised me the first time that it happened. But now I can smile because I see the lesson behind the leap. She helps me expect the unexpected, literally – helps me stay grounded and tuned in to my environment – two traits that this empath needs to be reminded of. And I recognize that some surprise pounces can add a little zip to my day.

Expecting the unexpected leads to awareness and can also lead to growth and creativity.

Creativity cannot flourish if we keep seeing only the things we expect to see. If we want to be creative, we must keep ourselves surprised; we must embrace uncertainty and actively look for the unexpected.           ~ Lidor Wyssocky

My cat sees adventure around every corner. And when we expect the unexpected, we see it too.

Joy

We Laugh, Too

January 14, 2018 by 0 Comments

So I can feel what you feel. Just by being next to you. And here is the upside. I can feel your joy. I can sense your happiness. I can melt into your laughter. We can explode with mirth. And that is when it is a complete pleasure to be an empath.

Many empaths and highly sensitive people express how hard life can be to be constantly bombarded by other’s emotions. It is so. Sadness runs deep. Anger is overwhelming. When it’s your own. When it’s someone else’s, you can’t even dissipate or resolve it; you’re just sitting shotgun for the car ride. It is tough and exhausting, no doubt.

That being said and fully acknowledged, there are also times for empaths and HSPs where riding shotgun in the car is pure joy! It is an adventure of spirit with another person who is brave enough to ride along with you, oh intense one.

I have had the times of my life when I trusted the moment, trusted the companion, and went with the new experience. Yes, empaths can have fun, be fun, and enjoy the moment to the fullest. It is hard to express to others what it feels like for an empath to completely share joy with another person. It is like putting a magnifying glass to a feeling and dancing in the magnified light. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I have found that being in a new and beautiful place also intensifies the joyous experience. (Ok, I know, empaths can be intensity junkies!) To take in the new and wondrous together, to feel it with another…wow. Pick your own destination, but I like Nature as the perfect backdrop. Beauty and surroundings that touch all our senses enhance our bliss even further.

Moving through new landscapes by foot or by wheel, stopping at times to breathe it all in and capture the moment, brightens your soul. I can feel my light of joy growing inside, and I can feel yours too. For the shared moment, we are twin lights. And we shine brighter together in this shared joyful experience.

Affirmation

To Grow, Not to Sort

January 7, 2018 by 0 Comments

Labels. We all have them. We all use them. They are helpful. Until they are not. I’m not talking about the labels on things. I’m talking about the labels we put on people, and the labels people put on us.

Don’t think you have any? You do. We all do. Start with your family. Are you the middle child? The oldest? The youngest? The only? That’s probably label number one. Then are you the smart one? The funny one? The pretty one? The flaky one? The dependable one? Etc. Then come the school labels. Hard worker or slacker? Gifted or slow? Athletic or non? Good test taker or not? Etc. Friend labels next. Good listener or know-it-all? Giver or taker? Fun or not? Quiet or loud? Etc. Then there are occupational labels, medical labels, special interest labels. Etc.

Want to know a secret? There are very few forever labels. Unlike the ingredients on products, the labels on people can change. Because people can grow. We are not stagnant. We change. And we have the power to make our own determinations about what a label means for us. We can live up to it, live down to it, or get rid of it altogether. The key is not to let a label limit you. Embrace the labels that help you find your place in the world and grow. Discard the misnomers others may throw at you.

Labels may be universal or specific. Labels can narrow your view to self limiting or can widen your gaze and broaden your compassion. They can also connect you with others who are like you. The web is full of pages and people to learn from, and it all starts with the label or topic you type in. Do you see where I am going with this? Use your labels to grow, not to sort. Use labels to connect, not to disconnect.

We can adopt and discard labels as we grow and change. Our families, our jobs, our health, our homes, our world views, our inner lives, our special interests will grow and change. We will self-define differently, and labels can give us an outward starting place for connection, investigation, and exploration. They also can give us a starting point for understanding and compassion toward others. And sensitivity and compassion are signs of being an empath. Empath. Now, that’s a label I like.

New Year

Hello, Baby New Year

December 31, 2017 by 0 Comments

Hello, Baby New Year. We welcome you with open arms. Do you welcome us back?  We have been awaiting your arrival. Were you counting down too?  We sure are happy to see you. Did you know that? You’re the symbol of our new beginning and our hopeful ever after. Welcome, welcome.

Your birth is met with revelry and celebration. Out with the old, and in with the new! (But honestly, Baby New Year, the last Baby New Year started out looking a lot like you.) At first everyone will embrace you, sing to you, hope for you. Everyone will make promises to you too, a lot of promises. (But not everyone will have your best interests at heart.)

Baby New Year, I am always amazed at your wide eyed innocence and wonder when you start out. You arrive with the  determination to survive and to thrive and to beat the odds. But you have to grow up so fast. Learn so much. Absorb so much. And you will grow quickly. You will reach adulthood in about 6 months, 9 months, tops.

By the time you reach adulthood, a lot of people will be mad at you. They will be blaming you. They will blame you for not living up to their expectations. But don’t worry, Baby New Year. We humans are really blaming ourselves. You are just the scapegoat for broken resolutions and unfulfilled dreams.

I’ve met more than a few Baby New Years in my life. So is it okay if I give you some advice, Baby New Year, you know, from a human?

We humans are mostly good; we just forget it sometimes. Remind us in gentle ways. When we make New Year’s resolutions, we do really want to keep them. It’s just harder than we thought it would be. Encourage  us, Baby New Year, to keep moving forward and do the best that we can. We want to grow with you, not rail at you. Can you forgive us when we falter and help us to forgive ourselves?

Baby New Year, my wish for you is the same wish for us. That at the end of the year you will be wiser and stronger than you have ever imagined. That you will have endured sorrow and experienced joy. And that you will look back at the year with gratitude for having lived it to the fullest.