Self-Discovery

Filled with curiosity. That has always been one of my defining characteristics. I can never remember not being curious. Especially about people. About the human condition and about our place in the world. Which makes sense. Empaths will sense emotion intuitively and try to come to an understanding of how that emotion gets played out in the world.

Music has been one of my ways to feel and feed my emotional curiosity. Through listening to music, we can connect with stories of those who we wouldn’t meet in our daily lives but with whom we may share a profound connection. Lyrics accompanied  by instrumental emotion tell the story of us. Sometimes on a small, personal stage.

“I’ve felt you coming girl, as you drew near
I knew you’d find me, cause I longed you here
Are you my desitiny? Is this how you’ll appear?”

Sometimes on a grander one.

“Out of sorrow entire worlds have been built
Out of longing great wonders have been willed”                                                                                                   

Song comes from my favorite well of emotion in music, Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. Song is “Are You the One That I’ve Been Waiting For?”

I find that the Arts – music, books, films, shows, art – open our hearts to others and explain what drives people emotionally under such a wide range of situations. That’s why these realms provide catharsis for us. Again and again.

The Arts make us wonder about people. Nature makes us wonder about how we are connected in the bigger picture. The beauty and awe that nature emotes from us is healing to our souls. Nature is where our senses and emotions collide. Nature photography combines art with nature. A photograph shows us things we may not otherwise have seen and may make us feel things that we would not otherwise have felt. Which leads us to wonder even more…

I will close with a quote about empaths from the Power of Positivity website from the post “6 Things An Empath Does Differently.”

“THEY LOOK AT THE WORLD WITH WONDER AND CURIOSITY.

Empathic people are learners by nature. They maintain their sense of wonder and curiosity from childhood that most of us grow out of when we become adults. They are naturally inquisitive and ask questions without judgment purely to learn and feel the experiences of others.”

“That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.”  “That which doesn’t kill you, almost kills you.”

Two sides. Same coin. Two truths. Same experience.

Would you ever choose to live through the same traumatic experience again? Of course not. Would you recognize that you survived and became a stronger human being as a result of the traumatic experience? Of course. In fact, a resounding yes. Because the deeper truth is that survival by necessity contains growth. You would not be who you are today without your experiences behind you.

I am told that as a child, I was fearless. Determined. Undaunted. Great qualities, right? But what happens when fear comes knocking on your door. You are so young that you don’t recognize it. Your fearlessness is your innocence. And then someone assaults you. And now you are no longer fearless. Your innocence has been stolen  forever. That was my first traumatic experience, and it changed the trajectory of my life.

You see, trauma changes you. You are not who you were before. You are not lesser, but you are different. You become a different person than you would have been had you remained untouched. You learn a different kind of strength born of the pain. But you still wish that it never happened. And that’s where the  two sides of that saying, of that coin, will always stay with you.

I don’t know who I would be or who I would have become had I not experienced trauma. I can tell you that it took a long time to heal and that I am still healing. I can tell you that I remain open enough to love deeply and that I have learned when it is safe to be open and when it is not. I can tell you that I am a nurturing mother and that my career choice has been to work with children. I can tell you that I am an empath and that I recognize it is my gift and my calling.

Trauma. Resilience. Two sides of the same coin.

“I am who I am” is a simple but powerful statement. It’s born of self-reflection. “I am who I am” suggests strength from deep and accepting self-knowledge. The sentence mirrors self-confidence. “I am who I am” means that one is self-aware without being self-conscious.

Empaths are known for feeling deeply, but we also are deep thinkers. Considerers. We are bold in a quiet way. We have the ability to feel a situation as soon as we walk into a room. This is a gift that takes time to learn to manage. Empaths sense the emotions around them quickly, but we need time to process what that means for us and for the others in the room. We feel. We listen. We think. But often between listening and thinking, we need to exit the situation for time to process. We need time in the day to pause away from others for clarity of thought, word, and deed.

Knowing who you are in a given situation and knowing who you are when you are alone comes from self-reflection. It is the joining of the public and private you. It is the “I am who I am.” Empaths tend to be more conscious of this duality. When self-acceptance and self-expression become friends and exist hand in hand, our lives are more peaceful. And empaths enjoy the swirls of emotion but crave the contentment of peace.

There are many paths to increase self-knowledge and self-perception to create a more peaceful  life. Do whatever works for you. Feed your spiritual, emotional, physical, and intellectual soul. Appeal to your senses. Build daily time in your schedule for this endeavor. Try different activities to see what works for you. I am a candle lighter. (Scented tea lights are portable and will burn out on their own.) I am a dog walker. (I go out in nature daily.) I am a sayer of prayers and affirmations. (Help! Thanks! Wow!) I am a yoga practitioner. (Daily – to help my back.) I am a listener of music. (Loudly, alone in my car every day with music available to express every emotion.) I am a reader. (Especially of memoirs and historical fiction.) I am a nurturer. (I spend as much time as I can with those I love and who love me back.)

Who are you? What do you or can you do to nurture yourself, to claim, and to know “I am who I am.”?

How can we stay resilient and hopeful when the negative emotions in this country are crushing to empaths? I have never lived in such a time in the United States when hate was so proudly on parade on a daily basis, and the leader of the country was also the leader of the hate parade. It has been making me physically sick lately.

My creed has always been “Don’t feed the monster.” By this I mean don’t give attention and energy to the negative  because it only grows in strength when you do. For years, I have not watched the news because the stories thrive on the horrible, the deadly, the awful, and the tragic. And empaths are very visual – any horrific images will be easily recalled and burned in your brain forever.

However, you cannot live with your head in the sand. You may avoid things you don’t want to see and feel, but you will also hide your own light – and you will hide your own gift to the world – which in this case is desperately needed compassion. We need to know what is going on in the world. So I have been reading and listening to the news on the radio. A lot. And it’s mostly bad. I don’t want to get sucked down the hole of doom, so my question is what’s an empath to do?

I am usually a resilient and optimistic person, but of late, not so much. When my husband tells me that he is worried about me, I know that it is time to self-reflect, and figure out a way back towards hope. Time to find the strength for resilience.

Resilience is fighting back in a healthy way. I found a concise article with practical ideas to build resilience at verywell.com. Here are “10 Ways to Become More Resilient” by Kendra Cherry:

Find a Sense of Purpose in Your Life. …
Build Positive Beliefs in Your Abilities. …
Develop a Strong Social Network. …
Embrace Change. …
Be Optimistic. …
Nurture Yourself. …
Develop Your Problem-Solving Skills. …
Establish Goals…                                                                                                                                       Take Steps to Solve Problems…                                                                                                               Keep Working on Your Skills…

It gave me a lot to think about and remind myself of. Biggest take away for empaths was in the closing lines: “Psychological resilience does not involve any specific set of behaviors or actions, but can vary dramatically from one person to the next. Focus on practicing some of the common characteristics of resilient people, but also, remember to build upon your existing strengths.” And our strengths are to feel what people are feeling – we can hold up a mirror to injustice and offer compassion back to those in need.

Here is the link to Cherry’s full article:  https://www.verywell.com/ways-to-become-more-resilient-2795063. Go get your resilience on.

The web is full of information about chakras, and I encourage you to do some sleuthing. You will likely find that some of of these wheels of energy in your body are healthy and strong, and that some are not. Note that if the idea of chakras is unfamiliar to you, you will see that the information related to the chakras rings true, and that there is a lot of readily accessible information out there to help you heal and strengthen your chakras – which in turn heals and strengthens you.

Many empaths, including me, have challenges that manifest in the third solar plexus chakra. If you (like me) have a history of digestive problems and/or lower back problems, you are having issues with this chakra. The solar plexus chakra is our seat of self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-confidence. This energy helps us more forward, face challenges, and be confident in our decisions.

Why would empaths have trouble with this third chakra? It’s not so hard to figure out. Empathy. We empathize so strongly with others, that sometimes we don’t trust our own opinions and self-definitions. We often put the needs of others ahead of ourselves – which is sometimes the right thing to do – but NOT EVERY time the right thing to do. One can be compassionate toward others and still trust and care for oneself.

There are ways to strengthen the third solar plexus chakra. Be more conscious of your decisions and actions and less influenced by other’s thoughts. Strength comes from resolve. Be physically conscious of your solar plexus – do deep breathing and core strengthening. Be spiritually conscious through prayer and guidance. Pick a few affirmations and say them throughout the day and/or sing lines from a favorite power song. Here are some affirmations for the third chakra from Chakra Wisdom ezine to get you started:

Solar Plexus Chakra Affirmations

I love and accept myself.
I stand up for myself.
I am strong and courageous.
I am worthy of love, kindness, and respect.
I choose the best for myself.
I express myself in a powerful way.
I am proud of my achievements.
I honor my self.
I choose healthy relationships.
I am authentic.
I direct my own life.
I appreciate my strengths.
I feel my own power.
I am free to choose in any situation.
I seek opportunities for personal and spiritual growth.
I am at peace with myself.

And then there’s yellow. What? Yes, yellow! Yellow is the color of the third chakra. Wear some yellow or put something yellow near you….It’s okay to have fun with this bright color….After all, the goal is for you to shine your most brilliant you into the world. And that is the gift of the third solar plexus chakra.

Perception is a funny thing. It is everything really. Our perceptions guide how we live our lives. And yet, perceptions are fluid; they can change. It is always amazing to me how one’s perceptions can be so wildly different from someone else’s….

I just finished reading Malcolm Gladwell’s book David and Goliath. The book is about how perceived disadvantages can actually be advantages. He gives case after case of examples of people (such as David) who are perceived to be at a disadvantage but actually succeed on a grand scale because they turn their perceived disadvantage into advantage. In David’s case, he is small and so is assumed to lose against the mighty Goliath. But in truth, David never planned to fight in hand to hand combat. He was accustomed to protecting his flock against dangerous predators, and he was a practiced “slinger” and defeated Goliath with a small rock hurled to the forehead.

The perceived underdog takes a different and unexpected path. Had the underdog not been an underdog, he or she would not have had to seek out a different way to be in the world.

Empaths take a different path too. I am not saying that all empaths are underdogs (but in some instances they are). I am saying that the perceived “disadvantage” of being “overly sensitive” is wrong. You are who you are. An empath is an empath. It is something to celebrate, not to mourn.

It might take awhile to figure out how to navigate successfully in a world with our hearts so open. We will take different from typical paths. We can accept our ability to feel so deeply and balance it with light, not darkness. (Open hearts, closed veins.) When I have followed my heart intuition, I have had extraordinary experiences.

Our natural ability for compassion may lead us to helping and healing vocations. We use our compassion as a natural strength to greatest advantage for ourselves and others. We share by being fully present and by helping others grow. We also use our compassion to speak out  in situations that lack it. We are truth tellers.

Empaths perceive the world in a different way, but like David, don’t underestimate us. Our hearts guide our actions and feel the actions of others. We contribute a light and and an honesty to the world – something that only a highly sensitive person can do.

January 1st. People declare their New Year’s resolutions. But the truth is – we change when we have to. We change when the balance on the scale tips to one side overwhelmingly – when it is more painful or difficult or deadly not to change. We change when it becomes more difficult NOT to.

Change is not the easy way, and let’s face it, we lead busy lives. Change takes effort and a lot of it. Who has the energy? You do, that’s who….but you need to have the resolve to move forward. A skeleton plan and determination are necessary. And fans. Supporters. It is helpful to have a few (or one) key people in your corner to help in moments of self-doubt. Pray for the best possible outcome. Adopt a mantra (or mantras) to help you through.

Change is hard for everyone. However, for empaths, we don’t want to cause others pain – because we can feel it. Resistance from others is very tough for us. That’s why you need resolve and support. Because not everyone around you is going to be happy about your decision for change. You will also need to give yourself permission to express your pain. Outlets are necessary – you’ve got to find yours.

It’s true that hindsight is 20-20. Change implies struggle, and in the midst of struggle, we can’t see clearly what will come out of it. (We just need to get through the day!) But at some point, you will. It may be days, months, or years down the road before you gain a clear perspective, but you will. Change and struggle, though not wished for, bring growth that otherwise never would have happened.

My current mantra to keep me going down a path for change, that will be very visible to others, is a quote from Zen Buddhist teacher Thich Nhat Hanh, ” No mud, no lotus.” It helps center me and keep me on my path with my gaze ahead.

When making changes, give yourself the gift of time. Change is a process. Be gentle with yourself.

Roots are important to self-definition. I’ve learned to redefine what roots mean in my life, and it has been a hard, and sometimes painful, lesson.  Roots are not grounded in a place. Roots are not grounded in a family or in a single tradition. Roots are grounded in spirit, and spirit travels. You can bring your roots with you wherever you go.

This is not to say that who you live with and where you live don’t help shape you. Oh, they do. But these kinds of legacies can cause growth and harm. I’ve experienced both in spades. Family can scar you in a way that no else can. Community can betray you in a way that no one else can. The irony is that the exact opposite is also true. They can encourage you in a way that no one else can. The trick is to learn to see and acknowledge the whole picture, and then to recognize that you are an outgrowth of that picture but not a definition of it.

I have lived feeling rootless, and that doesn’t work either. It’s a lonely feeling, even if you are not alone. I had to examine my roots of origin, and what they mean for me. I had to recognize that my community really isn’t mine. I had to grapple with the feeling that I wasn’t grounded, and I had to seek ways to get grounded – because groundless people have no boundaries and get taken advantage of innumerous ways.

Wise people showed up in my life at pivotal points, and I took the leap of faith again and again. Books showed up when I needed them, and I was able to drink in their wisdom. I learned to trust and respect my heart. I learned to see the world differently and to read the messages of spirit that I am so generously given. I learned to pray honestly. I learned breathing and exercises to ground and strengthen my spirit. I learned that I am not alone, and I learned to deepen my compassion for others.

I am not an old woman. I still have a long way to go on this journey. Knowing that my roots are mobile and will be with me wherever I am gives me both solace and strength. I can picture my roots and I can feel them. Of course I can – because I am a visual thinker, and I am an empath. Namaste.

Never give in. A less used phrase than never give up. But equal in gravity and encouragement.

After expressing that I felt like I was pushing against the river, a dear friend wrote to me and told me to “Never give up…never give in.” She told me about her mother. Her mother had been both a teacher and the parent of a deaf child. My friend told me that her mother loved her job and loved being a parent. Her mother firmly believed that “one size does not fit all” in education and that each child is unique and learns at his or her own pace and style. These words were exactly what I needed to hear at this moment.

Each child and each adult is unique and grows at his or her own pace and style. Some people are accepting of this. And some are not. Not giving in tells us no matter. Accept yourself as a unique individual and grow and learn at your own pace. This will sometimes look like fitting in with everyone in the room, and sometimes it will not. Be yourself any way. It may be hard at times, but you will always feel better when you are genuine.

I was at a meeting at work with about two hundred people. I did not like the direction that the meeting was going, but I stayed in my seat in the auditorium. At one point, we were told that we would be watching a video simulation with graphic violence. We were told we could leave the room if we wanted to. Without hesitation, I got up and walked out of the auditorium, the only one to do so. I know that because I am empathic, I do not watch simulated graphic violence because it is too painful for me. Was I better or worse than the others for leaving? No. I was just being true to my own nature.

When we are advocating for ourselves, for our children, or for others, we need to remember not only to not give up, but to not give in. Not giving up means to keep on going, and there are many oft used phrases and quotes that go with not giving up that we all could recite.  But not giving in is an equally important concept as not giving up, even though it is used less often. Not giving in means not giving in to pressure. Not giving up and not giving in is to stay the course no matter the odds or the chatter around you.

Individuation means becoming your authentic self. It means reaching your full potential by accepting and embracing all of your parts. It means having a deep understanding of yourself and using that understanding as a platform for expansion. I’ve always thought of it as the expression “of being in the world, but not of it.”

Carl Jung brought this term to light and wrote about it at length. Individuation would be the goal of any person seeking health and wholeness. The modern day term closest to it would be self-actualization.

“Psychologist Carl Jung described this as individuation, the process by which the personal and collective unconscious are brought into consciousness to reveal one’s whole personality. In short: it is the process of becoming self-actualized….The individuation process leads one ever closer to the person he is meant to be, with both a sense of awareness and a sense of wholeness. This journey is not just one of becoming whole, but also one of expansion. Through individuation, boundaries of who we are and what we allow ourselves to know and feel, extend even further out into the far reaches of what is possible: our potential.” (Dr. Gross, Huffington Post, 12/30/2014)

Knowing that you are an empath, acknowledging it and embracing it as a true expression of self, is a huge step in individuation. We think and feel deeply within ourselves, but we can also feel the emotions of others and intuit many experiences of the collective unconscious. Empaths have a special place to realize in the world. Treasure your gift. Value yourself. Expand your boundaries.